wordless relationship holds only what is true.  there is no dancing around and no room for false fronts… the transparency is frighteningly beautiful, honest, and real.  still, even without words, there is space for mistakes and forgiveness.  and for grace and moving on.

evie and charlie were being cute in the office today…

without fail, if i leave the dustpan within reach, charlie bear finds it, scoops it up, and heads to the front door.  the sounds of this are familiar now—the hard clack of teeth on plastic followed by quick steps on the hardwoods—they cue me in quickly.  when he has this, his favorite toy (for whatever reason), he takes on his playful, youthful look, and i forget he’s my old man.

dogs show us the beauty than can be when we have love on our side.  they are faithful, true, ever-hopeful, ever-loving… god’s grace revealed in ways we can see, feel, accept, and even begin to understand.

jet—crazyinsanesuperlovingwildashellsweetbabydog—is evie night-night’s oldest friend.  i don’t have many clear pictures of him.  he lived fast and hard.

——————

godspeed, sweet jetty,

thank you for the lessons (and for the lapdog-style-snuggles, even when you were way too big for them).  and, selfishly, thank you for making your way to me this morning to say goodbye (i know it was a major effort, baby boy).  i couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful moment.  so much love.  it meant the world and let me know you truly understand the depth of my love for you.  thank you, thank you, thank you.  

we love you like crazy.  our hearts break but go, go, go for those birds, boy!  i’ll bet there are plenty… 

love, 

holly, evie night-night, charlie bear, and yes, that ass, t.c. kitty

evie and jet.  fast friends forever.

charlie bear and his cousin-pup, maddie, smushed up hard, head-to-head on the kitchen floor.  these old dogs love each other…

for the record, maddie just endured her 7th surgery.  of those, 6 were foreign object extraction surgeries and one was a hip surgery.  for anyone interested, her most recent ingested object was a plastic bottle cap.  we’re glad that crazy dog is still with us.

my evie will trust you if you’ve earned it, and though that doesn’t always come easy, when you are special to her, you’ll know it.  she will greet you with serious smiles (yes, all those teeth will show and it’s really quite silly), all-over face licks, and super-happy snorts… plus she’ll give you her paw, over and over and over again, whether you want it or not.

evie is fiercely loyal, serious but silly, gentle yet determined, independent but with huge love for attention.  i absolutely adore her.  i love it when i find her resting, thoroughly relaxed.  since she is a reflection of my energy, her peace means my nerves are calm, too.  those are the best days.  

evie has her favorite spots and many of her favorite spots are mine too.  the fuzzy green chair, a corner on the couch, a freshly made/freshly slept-in bed, or a spot of hard sun…  

river pup.

i wasn’t ready for the wave of emotion that came over me when i dropped charlie bear off at the vet for a day of tests.  it hit me first when he realized i wasn’t staying with him (he was more happy and easygoing than any dog i’ve ever seen in a vet’s office until then).  he turned that big block head around and tried to come back to me as i moved to go.  heartbreak.  

when i got home, it hit me again.  charlie is underfoot almost every step of the way of every day and all of a sudden, it was just quiet.  evie comes and checks in frequently, but charlie always, always has his eye on me and, you had better believe when food comes out, he is right there, big eyes, holding his breath, bottom teeth showing… intensely watching and hoping (rightly so) that something will fall to the floor.  i felt lonely without him right there.  

it was odd to see evie night-night sunning in the front yard without charlie bear beside her and odd to see her behavior(s) change.  she didn’t bark at passers-by, didn’t growl for diesel engines… she was very quiet and serious but very alert and watching me pretty intently.  (all of a sudden, i’m reminded of the snl skit “that dog is looking at me funny”.)  she did, however, dig an extra deep hole and nibble on the leaves of an azalea bush, so i wasn’t too worried about her.

i think what hit me the hardest was when i turned and saw that the water bowl was full.  my heart sank… these days, it is always either empty or near-empty and not for lack of filling it.  the main thing that drove me to take charlie in for a checkup a couple months back was his excessive water drinking.  he’s always taken in a good bit but all of a sudden, he was drinking bowls and bowls full and, of course, needing more and more potty breaks.  he got a little better but then last week, there was a day he didn’t follow me around the house, didn’t want to go outside, and didn’t even pick up the dustpan when i put it on the floor (that’s his favorite “toy” to sneak away with).  so, in for more tests we went.  charlie is ill, there is no doubt about it but i think—i hope—charlie is the dog who will live on for years, giving me a good scare every two weeks.  today gave me a glimpse of how sad i am that he is growing older and becoming weaker.  he has been with us a little over two years now but it really does feel like he’s been ours forever.  he has changed our day-to-day in big ways and ten hours without him in our home made me realize just how many.

he and evie are snoring away as i type and watch “best in show”.  a good end to a tough day.